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How to Choose the Best Makeup for You – Shade, Product Selection, and Application Guide (Parody)

02 Jun

What This Is About
Making up is an excellent way to enhance your beauty but the cosmetics world is a very chaotic – and expensive – rabbit hole to fall into. There’s an overwhelming number of products to trial. If you’re confused about how to pick the best colors and shades for your skintone, you’re not alone. Not anymore. This guide will be your best friend through your makeup shopping journey. It will simplify and streamline the process so you don’t waste wads of hard earned money trying out  more colors than a LCD screen can display.

 

Base and Prep
Sunscreen – Take a 30 minute bath in your choice of sunscreen to prep and protect your skin from the rigors of the day.

Primer – Wait, what? We’re not painting a house or a fence here. You don’t need superfluous shit to waste more money on. Having your makeup on too long is unhygienic and gross anyways so why would you want to extend the wear-time on it? As far as tinted primers go, what makes you think that you “need” the green-tinted “color correction’ bull semen that they’re charging $36,000.00 for? Yes, your face is a little red around the nose and discolored around the mouth. But really, you don’t need this stuff because foundation will take care of it all if you pick the right shade

Foundation – If you’re as light as a drum corp member’s upper thigh, make sure that your foundation is 2-3 shades darker so that you can look healthy and sporty, like you actually have a life outside of the computer. If you have darker skin, find a foundation 2-3 lighter so that you can distance yourself from the sun-tanned plebians who have to toil away under the sun for a living. If you’re of medium skin tone, congrats, you are a sexy god(dess) and don’t need foundation to fix anything. The ideal foundation formula gives a flat, matte finish, because you can do whatever you want to it later on. With the right face products you can adjust the finish later to demi-matte, satin, dewy. or greasy. Whatever your heart desires. No matter how much it costs per ounce though, foundation won’t apply itself. Here are some application pointers to get you started:

  • Make sure that you stop right at the jawline. This stuff is expensive so don’t waste it by taking it down onto your neck.
  • If one layer of foundation doesn’t cover all visible blemishes, keep adding more coats to the whole face. Do NOT spot conceal. The  placement of product in one area will cause a raised plateau, which in turn makes the problematic area more noticeable. What you want to do is put down blanket layers across the entire face until your skin looks like a clean canvas. All over layers ensure that the color is even and that no texture shows through. This concept is similar to putting 50 coats of nail polish on to hide the brush lines or accidental dents.
  • If  you haven’t slept in X days, your under-eye circles will broadcast this fact to the world. The best way to get rid of these pesky areas is by taking a siesta. Go ahead, I’ll wait.

Concealer – Skip it. There’s no reason to cover up the flawlessness you just created with (insert number here) coats of foundation. A porcelain doll should be green with envy by now.

Because your face base is now perfect and pretty much a blank sheet (boring, flat. 2-D),  we need to bring some color and shape back in with face products.

 

Face Products: Always Apply Products From Darkest to Lightest
Countour – I like using powdered charcoal because I’m cheap and because the best contour colors have grey tones to mimic genuine cast shadows. Charcoal is a “light, black residue consisting of carbon” according to Wikipedia. Well light black basically means grey, so charcoal is grey. Therefore, charcoal is ideal for contour. Though very pigmented, you should have no problems blending this into your skin if you use a soft brush and light hand. Charcoal actually does double duty as makeup and skincare  because it’s pretty much a magnet for dirt, oils and toxins! Due to it’s skin purifying abilities, it’s a common ingredient in a lot of soaps, scrubs, and masks that target pores/acne.

Bronzer – Not necessary. If you’re of a light complexion, you already auto tanned with your darker foundation shade. If you’re of a dark complexion, why are you trying to make yourself look like a plebian again? The whole point of the lighter foundation was to lighten your skin and class you up. If you’re of medium skin tone, you didn’t have to blank out your face with foundation in the first place. Skip the whole face section and go straight to the eyes.

Blush – the best blush color for you is the hue that you naturally blush to. To determine what your natural flush looks like, go for a run. If physical exercise scares you, all you have to do is rapidly slap your cheeks ten times in succession or pinch the apples for 5 seconds. If you don’t like inflicting physical pain on yourself, go insult a friend until they send your head for a spin. The hand-imprint should reveal your natural rosy glow in all its glory. When you’re trying to decide which brand’s shade of blush you should buy, go for the one with the name that would mortify you most when uttered it in polite company. If a stranger asks you what blush you’re wearing and you’re embarssed to tell them, you’re doing it right.

Highlighter – find any powder formula with visible specks of glitter. The color and undertone of the powder doesn’t matter. Cosmetic companies are clever, efficient money makers, only producing universal shades that look fantastic on everyone. Smurfs and Oompa-Loompas included. Once you have your powdered highlight, apply it across your entire face like you would with an all-over powder. This application technique allows the HL powder to do triple duty:

  1. Add luminosity: your skin should be looking rather flat or ‘dull’ because you piled all that foundation on but highlighter is your savior. It will resurrect your complexion, adding back the light and life that had been leached out.
  2. Set the makeup: All highlighters are designed to make you glow, but you wouldn’t be able to set liquid foundation with a cream or liquid HL. I specified a powder formulation to save you money. No need to get a whole separate setting powder to keep all that foundation from slipping off your face. Conventional powders will mattify your face and look make you look cakey anyways.
  3. Add dimension to the face: the original purpose of highlighter. A catastrophic mistake is not applying enough on the high points of your face. You’re not done until your cheekbones enter the room ahead of you.

 

Eyes: The Most Important Part
Eyeshadow – the NAKED eye is totally trending, and has been for last 5 years so don’t worry about it going out of vogue anytime soon. People may complain year in year out, but at the end of said years, it’s still the most flattering look. The NAKED trend goes like this: you don’t need to put anything on your eyes, which means money saved. Bloody super. Let’s move on.

“B-but… How am i supposed to enhance my eyes and get sempai to notice me?” you ask. With eyeliner of course.

Eyeliner – Everyone knows that the best way to make enhance your eye color is to use a complementary color that’ll make your eyes “pop” via contrast. The easiest way to find the exact complement to your eye-color is to take a selfie in a well lit area and invert the colors on MS Paint. Whatever color (as displayed in RBG) your eye-color inverts to is the perfect shade of liner for you.

Example: My eyes are the color of Drought-Ridden California in a shade so dark that they give the River Styx a run for it’s money. The opposite, and thus best color for me, is a blue so light that it’s pretty much white. Hades, i wish i had known this sooner.

red eyes lol

I was such a makeup noob then. What the hell was i thinking wearing that ghastly shade of red liner instead of a blue that’s so depressed, it no longer even has color.

Always wear a complementary colored liner. Never wear black eyeliner, it makes you look old. Black gives a heavy look to the eye, pulling the upper lid down, which casts the illusion of droopy lids and thus advanced age. So remember: bright eyes = young eyes = good while darkened, smoldering eyes = old. Sexy, but old.

If you don’t know how to invert on paint and find your ideal liner color, here’s a handy guide. Click to enlarge.

dbag w words

False Lashes – Two words: Size. Matters. The bigger your lashes, the better. Bonus points for glitter and holographic effects. Feel free to add a full strip, or four, to your bottom lashes if you want your eyes to look bigger and more doll-like. If you don’t want to be offended by people looking at your cleavage, draw their attention upward – toward where your eyes are – with a ostentatious set of falsies. In the end, your lids should feel like they’re doing their 10th rep. of bench presses. Below is an outstanding example. Skip to 2:40.

Mascara – Jesus Christ, are you trying to sink a ship with the weight of your eyes alone?  Mascara is total overkill. Skip it. It’s just going to flake and/or run all over your face as the day wears on anyways. Also, it’s pointless to waste your money on something that expires 3 months after you open it.

Brows – every one looks best in black regardless of hair color or complexion – that’s why so much formal wear is black. The same applies to brows. I just recycle my contour charcoal by grinding a little bit and mixing the resulting powder in some water to form a perfect pitch-dark paste. If you want to bulletproof your brows, heat up the mixture and add powdered gelatin. Gelatin is great because it’s a naturally occurring (free of parabens, chemicals and other nasty shit), sticky substance that will help the charcoal paste adhere exponentially better. If you’ve ever made a DIY face mask with powdered gelatin and milk, you know how hard that shit is to get off your face. For those who have no idea, the following is for you:

Source: screencap off youtube

Source: screencap off youtube

 

Lips: The Final Stretch
Lip Liner – You don’t need one. Just take a q-tip, or roll a piece of tissue paper into a nub, and dip it into some make-up remover. Use that to erase the foundation that got onto your lips during application. Carefully wipe the foundation away, recoloring your lips in the process. Blot all excess makeup remover when you are done.

Lipstick/Lipstain – Did you think i was going to say “chomp down until you draw blood” ? Heck no, go kiss a boiled beet. Those things at $1.50/pound are cheaper than even wet-n-wild lipsticks ($1.99 for 0.11oz) at $18.09/oz or a whopping $289.44/pound! Plus you can eat them afterward for sustenance. As far as application goes, hold you lips to the beet for 10 seconds or so until the color takes. If you want to make your DIY lipcolor long-lasting/difficult to remove, add gelatin (see “brows” for explanation).

Gloss – Another money sink. Unless you’re an entomologist out on a bug-catching mission, don’t bother with this stuff. It will capture anything that flies your way. Bugs and hair included.

 

I think i had a little too much fun with this…. In case those of you who have made it this far by haven’t figured out by now, this. is. a. parody.  This ridiculous post was inspired by what could have been if Jordan Liberty had Jenna Marbles‘s potty mouth. Or if Reapzify was into make-up and made guides for it.

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Posted by on June 2, 2015 in Letting it Go, Short Humor

 

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