Total Beauty is Total Bullshit

17 Nov

I’m specifically referring to this article.

TL;DR don’t let your bf see this article and don’t let him him give you a “facial”. It’ll fuck up your skin. Here’s why:

Original article is pasted below with my commentary interspersed in bold.

Twenty-six-year-old Kiss suffers from rosacea. Her skin is so sensitive that the facial peels normally used to treat the condition are not an option. Kiss’ dermatologist recommended she try out a more “natural” approached FTFY; but instead of, oh, I don’t know, applying a plant-based cream to her irritation-prone face, she formulated a seminal skin care therapy of her own. ~ her dermatologist must be crying right now ~

Yes, seminal. Literally. As in, human semen. ~ well i sure hope she wasn’t molesting her dog in the the name of beauty ~ Kiss was inspired by something she read on the Internet (where we all get our best medical advice) ~ oh yes, the internet is ever-wise and ever-right. The internet is also where webMD exists to tell you that you have cancer and where 4chan and trolls run amok ~ to solicit a male friend to donate the precious fruit of his loins, ~ I think you mean fruit juice, I’m pretty sure he didn’t castrate himself and give her his heirloom  plums ~ which he delivers to her doorstep in Chinese food takeout containers (so resourceful). Kiss applies the fresh goods — as in, while they’re still warm — ~ that’s some afuckingmazing insulation in that little paper takeout box. But if he’s going to do you a favor, at least take him out for a proper dinner first ~ to her face with her fingers, leaves it on for 20 minutes and rinses. Like any gel mask. Gross? Not according to Kiss. ~ true, it’s a emulsion, same as just about every face product out there ~

“I think a lot of people are concerned with the thought of putting semen on their face, but actually it’s a very natural and healthy thing to do,” she says. ~ Ammonia from your urine is also very natural, so is feces (it’s actually full of undigested nutrients!) and hydrochloric acid from your stomach. and NONONONO! Semen is the opposite of healthy for your skin, refer to notes point #1 ~  “I know exactly what goes into this.~ No. No you don’t. Semen’s chemical composition – like any other bodily fluid – is influenced by diet. Unless you know EXACTLY what he has been eating for the past week, you do not know what compounds are being added to the semen. Garlic makes semen pungent due to high sulfur content which is transferred from the flavonoids. Pineapple juice makes semen taste sweet. Red meat and cabbage causes bitterness, etc etc. My point is, you literally have no idea what’s in there unless you have a orgo-lab analysis done. ~  I know there are no added chemicals, no harshness. ~ okay THIS, see point #1~ It’s as active and live ~This is usually only used referring to bacteria and viruses. It could be applied to sperm. Semen itself is a fluid and is not a live liquid, unlike Flubber.~ and natural as you can possibly have. Semen builds babies,~ jesus fucking christ. SPERM from semen fuses with a haploid egg to form a diploid cell which divides. the cell division create daughter cells which build up in a very specific way as coded by the DNA to form the baby. ~ they come out very soft and have beautiful skin, and it leaves my skin nice and soft. ~ WHAT. THE. FUCK. This is what we call bad science. correlation =/= causation. That baby’s skin is smooth because they haven’t been exposed to the elements, sunlight/oxidation/other shit, and has been bathing in amniotic fluid not semen. The semen containing the sperm that CONTRIBUTED DNA to make the baby is long gone by the time the baby pops out. ~

It’s DIY in the most literal sense. ~ No, some one else is making it for you unless you provided the nudes/porn and/or are jacking him off yourself~ And though we’re all for at-home treatments, we have to say, this might be one technique better left un-tested. Don’t even THINK of trying this at home.

Kiss isn’t full of bullshit, she’s full of bull semen.


  1. There are mountains of posts out there about the importance of maintaining a low pH on the surface of the skin (here’s one of my favorites). But in a nutshell. The surface of your skin is slightly acidic. Most people with healthy skin have a pH below 5.0 with 4.7 being the “natural” undisturbed state.  Semen’s pH is basic. It ranges from 7.3 to 9.5, with pH <8.0 in only 32% of the samples  in this study. Applying basic fluids, like SEMEN, neutralizes the acidic nature of the skin. It can stay fucked up for up to 6 hours. Fucked up acid mantle = fucked up skin = skin issues.
  2. shame on TotalBeauty for publishing Kiss’s experience without criticism. There are probably girls who don’t have two wits about basic biology out there who now think that seminal facials are a good idea. They could have at least made it satirical or pointed out the logical flaws.
  3. Kiss and the TB editors need to be banished to Bio 100 A & B, Chem 100 A & B, and sex ed.
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Posted by on November 17, 2015 in On the Fence, Short Humor


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