RSS

Category Archives: Short Humor

Wanna Know How To Improve Your Tuna Salad?

So my sister made some tuna salad dinner. Here’s the conversation that went down at the dinner table:

Sis: How is it how is it howizzit?
Me: Pretty good, but needs some more acid.
Sis: Here, I’ll throw up what I already ate.
Me: Are you saying that your cooking is literally so bad that even vomit would make it taste better?

 

It doesn’t help that tuna salad is already a kinda chunky-looking, nondescript, beige mush. I was thinking lemon juice when I said add some acid but her mind jumped straight to stomach acid.  I think someone was AP Bio-ing too hard.

But really, if what you make tastes like it’s missing a little something-something try a tiny amount of an acidic component, or throw some more salt in there.

 
Leave a comment

Posted by on June 1, 2017 in Short Humor

 

Tags: ,

USC’s 2017 Commencement – Speeches of Note

That moment when everyone is hyped for Will Ferrell at graduation but freaking Helen Mirren makes an appearance to also receive an honorary degree.

The (unemployed) valedictorian’s speech was also amusing and managed to make the professional comedian uncomfortable. (00:59:00)

Right afterward are when the 6 honorary doctoral degrees are awarded! Helen Mirren is at 1:20:00

 

 
Leave a comment

Posted by on May 14, 2017 in Current Events, Short Humor

 

The Effect of Rain in Southern California

Con: People drive like intoxicated, blindfolded monkeys.

Pro: Shopping becomes a peaceful affair. People refuse to go anywhere, preferring to hole up at home instead.

image

I mean look at the Costco check-out area! It’s practically a ghost town.  Normally on a Friday afternoon, I would be able to waltz from one side of the checkout floor to the other by walking across a solid continents of carts and never touch the ground.

image

It also looks like a different neighborhood out there. I swear these hills usually have fewer signs of life than Mars.

 
2 Comments

Posted by on January 20, 2017 in Current Events, Short Humor

 

Tags: , , , ,

Curse Words are the Best Punctuation

Checked into Disneyland Hotel , and Disneyland of course, for three days and two nights for some much needed therapy this weekend. The hilarious part is this was planned months ago around an anniversary… not after election week.

I went on the Tower of Terror for the first time (amid rumors that it is closing down for good soon) despite having gone to Disneyland at least once every year for the last 7 years. Map? who needs a map? Not me. All the new construction they are doing is going to change that though. 

Anyways, the Tower cast member/ride attendant gave his usual in-character spiel before sending us off on our merry (spooky?) way saying, “Please tug on yellow tag, blah blah blah. Just so you know ladies and gentleman we are expiriencing some rolling balckouts tonight so all of you might not make it back. Please enjoy.”

I saw the slightest hint of a half smirk on his face as he slipped behind the wall to close the doors. It registered as a bit odd, that self satisfied smirk, but I didn’t dwell on it. We thought that last bit of speech was just him being in character

A few seconds into the ride though, we realized how very, very wrong we were.

The usual audio narration was running, but the projection movie was not. After the narration finished, nothing happened for what was less than 10 seconds, but more than 5. But those handful of seconds seem indifinitely long in the kind of pitch darkness where you can’t even seen your hands in front of your face. Add in the adrenaline from anticipation, ride attendant’s parting words, and you have the perfect recipie for crippling anxiety.

So we just hung there in absolute silence and darkness for a few heartbeats until out of the darkness, one perfect word bloomed from a woman in the back, punctuating the moment and summarizing the collective thought.

“Fuck.”

The silence was broken by the whole cabin bursting out into rancuoous laughter which almost immediated turned into screams of actual terror as the ride decided to resume, finally and dropped us a couple stories.

At the end of the ride, the cabin immediately bubbled over with laughter and conversation about what we had just been through. This was obviously what the cast member had been expecting because he opened the doors and greeted us with a shit eating grin. Are we allowed to high five the Disney staff? because he deserved one. 

 ~~~

The second funny incident was the caused by my boyfriend. He let out a HUGE sneeze; the concussively loud kind that feels like it compresses your chest from the sheer force of the sound wave slamming into you. 

I’m used to it by now but from across the gift shop a shell shocked young guy muttered, “Damn.” and was staring wide eyed all deer in the headlights. Poor guy couldn’t help himself.

I started cracking up causing him to sheepishly turn away. When asked by bf why I was practically in stitches, i told him and he started laughing too. I’m pretty sure the guy across the store grinned a little.

~~~

Needless to say, this was one of my more memorable Disneyland trips.

Due to a little mix up at the hotel, my party was granted three sets of open ended fast passes. We used a set of them on the Tower of Terror to bypass the 3.5 hour wait which was when the first story happened. WORTH IT. In retrospect, they had probably started dismantling non essential parts of the ride like the video projectors.

We used another set to finally get on the Cars ride (Radiator Spin Racers) since the fast passes ran out within the first hour of the park opening and the line was, and always is, multiple hours long. Forgot what we used the last set on but it was most likely another traditionally slow, long lined ride. 

 
Leave a comment

Posted by on November 14, 2016 in Current Events, Short Humor

 

Tags: , , , , ,

Dance of the Glitchy Sugar Plum Fairies from The Nutcracker Suite

This video is too good. This post is an archive for my purposes so i can easily dig it up and come back to later… but hey, it’s also a great piece of work that should be shared. In the description box by Joel Pashby:

The Nutcracker with dancer Cyrus “Glitch” Spencer, JR Tight Eyex, James Derrick, and the California Phil in Pasadena on Dec. 12, 2015–from the brilliant mind of maestro Victor Vener.

aaand another one:

 
Leave a comment

Posted by on December 18, 2015 in Current Events, Short Humor

 

Tags: , , , , , , , ,

Does This Make Me Evil: Red Lip Russian Roulette

It’s quite simple. My red lip products are my bullets (geddit? lipstick bullets? okay nevermind).  Some of the reds are non-transferable while others are, and leave bloody-colored marks.

S.O. comes home and i go to greet him with a kiss, like always. Lately though, I’ve taken to greeting him with a random red lipstick on.

Because all my reds look the same to him, he can never be sure if the formula that i have on is transfer proof or not. Some days he gets away scot-free while on others, he breaks away with a very clear lip print  looking like he just walked out of a cartoon make-out session.

pon-and-zi-pics-that-i-love-lolibarbie-18378291-500-559

This is literally his face as he awaits the result. (From Pon & Zi a webcomic by Jeff Thomas)

 

Needless to say he’s now far more wary when i approach him with a painted grin at the end of the day. Of course, he could choose not to play this game of roulette by not bending down to where my lips can reach his face, but if he doesn’t kiss me or let me kiss him… I poke him.

The poor guy just can’t win.

Though he has gotten me back by kissing my forehead after I got him with a transferable lipstick. XD

 
Leave a comment

Posted by on December 7, 2015 in On the Fence, Short Humor

 

Tags: , , , , ,

Total Beauty is Total Bullshit

I’m specifically referring to this article.

TL;DR don’t let your bf see this article and don’t let him him give you a “facial”. It’ll fuck up your skin. Here’s why:

Read the rest of this entry »

 
Leave a comment

Posted by on November 17, 2015 in On the Fence, Short Humor

 

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , ,